yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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