He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
