Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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