Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
