he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
