I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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