Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
