Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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