New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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