so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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