Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
