Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
