Pappa wants mamma naked
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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