I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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