I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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