Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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