i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
