Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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