Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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