I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
