call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
