I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
