maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
