he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
