i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
