he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
