It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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