I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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