Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
