I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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