Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
