Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
