come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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