oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
