totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
