I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
