i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
