i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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