I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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