my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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