My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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