are you still at the devil's house?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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