True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
