Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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