I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize