Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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