I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
