She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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