I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
