Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sober January is a disaster.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I would fuck him just for his dog
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
