I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
