Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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