you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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