I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Randomize
