The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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