I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
