You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
